theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize