the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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