While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Randomize
