I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
