What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
