I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
