dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
