don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
