Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
