I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
