my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
