Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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