Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
