After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
