Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize