She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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