the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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