I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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