Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
