ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
