tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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