so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
