What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
