I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
