It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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