I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
