i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
