Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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