I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
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