I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
