Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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