Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
