Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize