Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
