Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
