matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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