youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
