So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
