I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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