The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
