I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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