Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
