Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Is Oprah even human
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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