Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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