the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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