I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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