My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
