I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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