Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
