Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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