Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
