If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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