Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
