i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
